I’ve just deleted the entry that I was going to post. I feel guilty for doing it, but it’s all still too raw.

I had a bad week last week. For days, I sat at my desk at work trying not to cry. The very act of swallowing tears made my throat ache.

Saturday was much better, but I can’t articulate why.

All the crap, all the baggage is still there, but the sun was out. Maybe that made the difference. Maybe not.

All I know is, it’s getting harder and harder to keep that scream behind my teeth.

It’s a scream without words but with plenty of voice. It’s not a scream of anger, but anger is part of it. Every morning lately, I wake and my jaw is sore from holding it in.

I find myself talking aloud. I’m saying, “It’s okay, Andy. It’s fine. It’s okay.” But it’s startling, because I never remember starting the mantra. I have so got to hold it together, even if it means grinding my teeth to nubs.

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