Him: 6 feet, 5 inches

Me: 5 feet, 4 and 1/2 inches (Hey, every fraction of height helps when you�re talking about a differential that can be measured in feet.)

Him in a tux: James Bond

Me in a poufy white dress next to him: Marshmallow Girl

_________

I�ve dedicated my Thursday lunch hours to the dress hunt. Talk about incentive to diet�

It�s been a very Shakespearean experience � tragic, comic, bawdy and poetic all rolled up into one.

Some of these dresses you wouldn�t believe!

They got dresses with so much bling on the tops, the bride could act as her own disco ball. They should have giant labels on the back warning hemophiliacs to stand back lest they be shredded to death. The saleswomen should be handing out polarized protective eyewear before they pull the gowns for you to try on� You get the idea.

Then there are the gowns designed for and by �ho�s. That or the gowns are for women who have severe fabric allergies.

On the opposite end of that spectrum are the gowns with soooo much fabric and lace and train and poufiness that I actually felt as though I would collapse under the weight of it all. Can you imagine?

Priest: Where�s the bride? And who left this horrid lump of taffeta and tulle in front of the altar?!

Lump of taffeta and tulle: [Sounds of frantic clawing] Mfts muh!

Priest: Jesus Christ � it�s alive! By the power vested in me, I bid you die demon lump, spawn of marshmallow Hellll�

James Bond: Hey, Father, put down scepter. That�s my bride in there. Right honey? Honey?

Lump of taffeta and tulle: [Sounds of wheezing]

James Bond: Quick! Someone find a chainsaw�

Despite these early failures, I�m more determined than ever to find my perfect gown. My gown must:

1-Make me look taller, not wider.

2-Adorn me. I should be noticed first, then the dress. I am not a walking dress dummy for the latest it couture designer.

3-Not have me spilling out the top or showing too much bottom. Fit, but not too well.

4-Have not a stitch of frou, frou. And I can�t afford the liability insurance I�d have to carry to wear all that bling, bling.

I mean, come on. Is that asking too much?

Potential lump of taffeta and tulle: No! Stick to your guns�

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